Yep, it's Monday

Just pondering this thought today......

Pulse Check, or how I'm really doing.....

How am I doing…..well isn't that just a question to answer! Physically, I suppose I’m doing OK

. Emotionally, I think I’m just numb. Life keeps on moving ahead whether I can keep up or not. School work is OK, but I’m just not engaged anymore. The schools are on Spring Break, but I’m here due to lack of PTO. It’s not bad per se, but I feel like I need a break. I am also TIRED. Bone weary and so very tired. Kaitlyn is trying to finish up her fifth semester. Today was final exam day for Med-Surg. We studied for a LONG time last night. She gets so stressed over this one instructor that she had a migraine last night. I doubt that she is sleeping any better than I am. When she is in this sort of situation, she tends to burn herself completely out. Instead of taking a day and investing in herself, she is running to Cedarhouse to work the 4:15-6PM shift. At $10/hr, it hardly pays her to go there for just 2 hours, but she feels compelled to do it.

I am really looking to move to the mountains at the end of the summer. I do have some CHD commitments to honor during the summer, but will be moving on hopefully. There are plenty of jobs there. I kind of want to be at Tech or Radford so that my VRS will continue. I guess I could look into the Health Dept there as well….Montgomery/Giles. I was kind of waiting for Kaitlyn’s input, but now she is talking about moving back in with Lohryn & Jon?!?!?! It’s her choice, but I thought there were issues with her living there before.

So, back to my original question, how am I doing??? If I had to say, I would probably say not that great. I am going through the motions. I do that every day that I have to, and on the days that I don’t, I end up sleeping a large chunk of the day. Partly because I am really that tired, and partly well I don’t know….but feel like it has to do with grief and unresolved issues that are so long standing with some who should be a support. It’s exhausting! In some ways I don’t feel like I’ve even begun to grieve daddy. what I don’t need is people telling me to “let it go”” forget about it”, “don’t isolate yourself” . Believe me what isolation I can gain is protective. It’s when I do my best thinking and reflecting. Andrew wrote a post on Facebook yesterday about his reflection of life in the last few weeks/months. I’m sure it was not very popular with some folks, but they had the good sense to respect his boundaries. I know that opinions 

"Andrew Nelson

March 13 via Facebook for Windows Phone · Edited

Hello death it seems we meet again. You keep taking friends ill never see again. I guess they gotta leave but if we pretend they never left well we gunna see them again. Never leave our hearts never leave our thoughts as time goes by they'll never be forgot."

and expectations change with each season of life, just like the seasons change in their own time. 

 Let’s just finish this by saying I’m not in a great season right now….TO BE CONTINUED

 One week. It has been one week since my sweet daddy’s memorial service. A lot has happened in these seven days. Some relationships have been strengthened, while others seem to be di

sinigrating. The outpouring of love and support has been phenomenal. It actually helps to ease the pain just a little. I think I could better deal with things if I didn’t feel like he suffered needlessly. So much of what happened was preventable. But more about that later... I find comfort that he is finally at peace; it distresses me that he had to fight so long and hard to get there. I love that he is finally in the arms of his savior, but hate that his body is so far away in North Carolina. I love that he was so loved on this earth, but hate that memories of his services only serve to bring me pain, not to comfort me. I hate passing Morrissett’s on the way to work every day. I hate that mom is hurting, but I also know that she can’t heal herself by leaving scars on others. I hate that it seems he’s been forgotten already. I KNOW that’s not true, but as the days go on, and the cards slow to a trickle, I fear losing his memory. Someone told me in the midst of all of this, that he would not be forgotten as long as there was a person alive who had memories of him…well, that’s a great long time because sweet little Ellie still asks about him, and supposes that Pop is in heaven with Jesus making mashed potatoes! Pop did love some mashed potatoes, but not as much as he loved Ice cream. That was one of the stories I shared at his memorial service…the “shaping up” story…TO BE CONINUED......

Sick and tired

Not that I'm actually sick, but I am heartsick, I am tired and I am sad.  Yep, that pretty well sums it up. I have to balance that statement with the profound love and support I've gotten from my friends.  For every tear, there's been a phone call or card.  For every sad moment, a ready hug.  People have been so good to me.   It's grace, totally undeserved, but so appreciated.